moved on

i've moved to purplecross.wordpress.com

relink me:)

just a squeeze of the heart

ok. I didn't expect my last entry to illicit so many (in my opinion) comments. thanks dears:)

anyway, today's worship service spoke to me much, esp after last night's late night chat with jiggly.

Shepherd
~by Paradise

I will give my heart to You
Forever faithful God
Guide me to Your truth

I will go where You may lead
Your hands are a graceful guide
They draw me to Your side

I'd praise Your name forever
Join with shouts of heaven
Glorify

You are the King of Glory
You are the Lord Almighty
You are the Shepherd of my heart

I will give You all my praise
I'd follow You always
The Shepherd of my heart.

And then, after service, I read Vera's bookmark and on it, this was stitched:

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
~Proverbs 4:23

Ah. yes. LAST exam tomorrow. I've got so much to say.. last official day as an NUS student, last time I get to see some friends, last time I get to mug in SMC, last time, last time...

but I'm not done with studying for pragmatics, so it's back to the notes.

[ To listen to this song, click here. But you'd need to join multiply.com and be a member before you can listen to it=)]

no if maybe...

To be honest, I'm not really in a mood to study.

I think it's partly to do with the fact that this is my last semester. Rather, me realizing my days left as an NUS student are rather numbered (5 days to be exact). It hit me more when I was chatting with my sb just now, and she was saying how she foresaw the first 2 weeks of May to be especially draining.. and I was like. yah hor. She's joining exco soon...

My mom was talking to one of our family friends last night over the phone, and giving the usual lowdown on her 4 kids.. How I, the first child, am finally graduating, albeit slightly prematurely at year 3. And I thought it was rather interesting how my mom started her 'report' on me by saying, "aiyah, my adeline has never really been interested in studying anyway", saying that she was ok with me not graduating with honours, and very average grades, because for my whole life, I've been getting past the Singapore education system by the skin of my teeth, each time, giving my parents mini-heart-attacks along the way. She continued, rather proudly, that I've spent most of my time in NUS serving in VCF and how I enjoy it, being the arts chair and all..

Honestly, I thought it was rather funny and heartwarming to know that I've not disappointed my parents... that much.. Although they are proud of the fact that I aspire to be a teacher, and then missionary, sometimes, there's a nagging fear at the back of my mind, that all these plans I've come up with, may not really be realized in the end. Like how I may not get into NIE next year, although I must be one of those crazy nuts who's actually willing to sell her soul to the Singapore government.

Coupled with the fact that I started off as a rather promising kid, out of 3 of their children, I was the only one who made it to the top class in primary school and then one of the top 10 secondary schools in Singapore.. In between, I made it to a neighbourhood JC (Pioneer!), and somehow, ended up here in NUS. I started off my uni life truly thankful that I managed to somehow, scrape my way into NUS. To be even able to get into a local uni, without my parents having to pay much to send me elsewhere, I really thank God.

Yet, at times, I do wonder, if I enjoyed studying more, like my brothers, and the many others in NUS, would these exams just be part of my third last semester and not my last? I mean, I do enjoy studying. I've loved almost all my Elang classes, save for those one of two soundand morphology classes which seriously drove me up the wall. Or rather, perhaps the better word would be I enjoy "learning". Not "studying".

There are so many 'IF's and 'maybe's. If I had done this, maybe I would be this.. If I hadn't done that, maybe I wouldn't have ended up that. But, there's no point in all these 'if''s and 'maybe's. As I told J when he told me I could have been chair, I told him point-blank: I'm a 'could-have-been', but you are going to be a 'be'.

So, the case is really closed.

The fact is, I'm really graduating this semester. (of course, that's granted IF I pass that silly "life as a complex" module...) What's done is done. Although I do wonder if I could have been blessed with better brains than what I already have (R always reminds me that I'm very smart to be able to get into NUS. ha). And now, whenever I hear of how someone is having difficulty in his/her studies, my heart skips a beat, and I actually feel for and understand that person..

I'm still trying to decide whether I would like to be able to understand people this way, or never be able to understand what it feels like to be at the bottom, by being at the top.. It's a hard price to pay. But then, I have spent the whole of this semester coming to terms with the end of my term. And my conclusion is that God has a reason and plan for me beyond these 3 years. I know, so cliche right. My faith seems almost blind. Like, God is supposed to work for the good of all those who put their trust in Him.. then how come I can't make it for honours.. that's not good.

But, that's not necessarily good. As I've told some, perhaps it's high time I start focusing more time and energy on church ministry. Probably, I'm not needed in NUS anymore, though it pains my heart (alot!!) to not be able to go for class with jig, mich, val, sara, janice and the whole jing gang of them. And although, at times, I think there's so much more I can do to contribute, I suppose God thinks otherwise.

It's really too early to tell now. I'd only know in a few years time, when I'm wherever I am, where God wants this person who "cannot really study" to be instead.. SO, til then. Stay tuned and see;)

I smell a fish

A fishy conspirancy is brewing between my parents right in my very home. Right under my very nose.

I don't like the sound, rather, the smell of it because it's fishy. And, seriously. I can't even believe they are doing this.

oh. And the best part? They think I'm clueless to what's going on. Seriously. I don't even know whether to laugh or grimace... in amusement.

Thanks for the compliments. really. It's taken quite a while.

lose weight

I'm very certain I've put on weight... but then, I just weighed myself and the weighing machine (which always tells the painful truth) says that I've lost 1kg. OK. fine. it's not alive, so it can't really SAY. but you get my point.. I need to lose weight. To stop looking so unglam in pics. bah. find me again in a month and see whether my new exercise regime (basically to exercise everyday...) works. or rather. whether it was implemented.

two are better than one.

I think I really sapped a lot of energy writing those 3 individual assignments of 3000 words each + that one group project in the last 2 weeks. I'm really glad they are over. I've only 2 group projects and presentations left to this semester.. rather to the end of my time in NUS. sounds so sad :(

I spent most of my monday afternoon sleeping. Was really tired. When my back really hurt last week in the midst of all those late nights (4 a.m.) essaying, I couldn't help but think of what my dear friend E said a couple of weeks back:

"I guess when we are feeling tired, down, we yearn more for someone to share the burden together."

So I guess that's why Solomon said in Ecclesiates 4:9-12,

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

of pragmatics and my parents

Recently, I’ve gotten to understand my parents better from what they say from my elang module Pragmatics, Ethnopragmatics in particular. For the non-elangers, practically all of you, pragmatics is the study of language that is used in conversations, i.e. what a speaker really means when he/she says something. Ethnopragmatics will then be the study of conversations in the context of different ethnics or cultures.

This is something from one of my readings by the Jewish writer Sholom Aleichem:

There are as many types of curses as there are people cursing, but the hardest to explain is the mother cursing her child. The child may be crying because he is hungry. The mother bursts out, ‘Eat, eat, eat. All you want to do is eat. May the worms eat you. May the earth open up and swallow you alive.’ This mother loves her child, she is only pouring out the bitterness that’s in her heart in the only way she knows. But in translation she sounds like a monster. (Butwin, 1958:9)

As the translator’s comment shows, reading stories can be an exercise in crosscultural communication—and it can involve miscommunication. If on the basis of cultural practices that a given piece of literature reflects we can formulate some rules of interpretation, we can help to minimize such miscommunication and build crosscultural bridges between readers and writers. In the case of Jewish culture whose vehicle was Yiddish, we can propose, inter alia, the following rule of interpretation:

when people say something like this to someone:
‘‘I want something very bad to happen to you’’

they can want to say something like this with these words:
‘‘when I think about you now I feel something bad’’

Formulated from the Yiddish speaker’s point of view, the cultural script in question might read:

if I feel something very bad when I think about someone
I can say something like this to this person:
‘‘I want something very bad to happen to you’’

~~
When I was younger, ok, not that much younger, I used to cry myself silly when my parents said hurtful things. I've since realised that they don't really mean such horrible words. Rather, it's part of their chinese mindset/culture. Sometimes, we yearn to have our parents or loved ones tell us they love us and all things nice, like what we watch on tv. But what we expect from them is akin to asking them change their skin colour.

In Chinese culture, the only way Chinese know how to express a warning is by saying something like this:

When I feel bad for you,
I say something like this:
This very bad thing will happen to you.

In essence, they just want you to know that this "bad thing" will happen if you continue being naughty/ rebellious, which is something they hope won't happen to you.

this brought a smile immediately to my face:

The OST of My Name is Kim Sam Soon, on someone's iTunes while I sit in SMC to finish up a paper. I absolutely love this show. And yes, in case you were wondering. It's another Korean drama.

Other than the obvious fact that the lead actor is ohsohot. It's a story of this plump 30 year old woman, with a horrible name to boot, (Kim Sam Soon.. don't ask me what's wrong with this name. I've no idea) who falls in love with her restaurant-owner boss. And vice versa may I add. I could gush about this show for a few minutes but greater things call, like my essay.

When I've more time, I'd post pictures of them (and the other hot korean actors I've been catching in the dramas). In my defence, I don't only watch korean dramas with hot guys. There have been shows that the guys didn't catch my fancy, but the plot and humour more than made up for it. According to my mom, she believes the reason for the popularity of Korean dramas across countries is how they have a philosophical approach to love. In fact, I've been giving advice to some friends based on what I watch... haha. Do NOT laugh. I may end up dishing some for you ;p

So, to apply all those theories and concepts I've been essaying about, I think if Singapore wants to export their media, they really have to stick to their culture. No point trying to americanize everything. Stick to Singlish for goodness' sake. And stop trying to erase it from the face of Singapore. It's the only semblance of a culture that we have.

In fact, I love Singaporean films. Many of the films in recent years have been rather astute at depicting Singapore life. Singapore Dreaming has to be one of my favourites. In fact, just now during class, one of the groups presenting showed the trailer of Just Follow Law. Eventhough I'm anti-FannWong (yes, we even share the same surname), that little snippet made me regret not catching it in the cinema... nevermind, I'd rent it next time and watch it together with my family. It's such a Singaporean thing to do. Laugh at the Singlish, laugh at the kiasu and sian attitude of Singaporeans, laugh at how all the beauracracy has rendered us helpless at times...

I've digressed too much. Back to my essay. After today, my sore back and cramped left arm will get a bit more rest... til the next project. heh. oh well.

kwenchana

it's okay.

a major reason why I've been feeling tired:

I read Revelations 2: 4,5 on mon for QT,

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

I had forgotten my first love. The past two months, I had done my QT, sporadically. And, Qt became something to be "done", while it should be quality time treasured with God. So, it was rather timely that melissa emailed this:

Feed on God’s Word Every Day

Matthew 4:4
But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’”

The Bible tells us that God breathed into man and he became a living being. (Genesis 2:7) It also tells us that all Scripture is God-breathed. (2 Timothy 3:16, NIV) This means that when you read the Bible or listen to God’s Word preached, you are imbibing the very breath of God which gives you life.

That is why there may have been times you walked into church feeling tired at first, but left at the end of the service feeling refreshed and energised — God’s Word had breathed life into your body! I have also seen many of our church members becoming healthier, stronger and even younger-looking because they spend time in God’s Word.

It is no wonder that Proverbs 4:22 tells us that God’s words are “life to those who find them, and health to all their flesh”. So if you are under the weather or if symptoms are attacking your body, double up on God’s medicine. Simply feed on God’s Word even more, and you will find life and health flowing through your body again.

Jesus said that man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. If it is important to eat our meals every day, how much more feeding on God’s Word. Jesus tells us that we need God’s Word even more than our daily “bread”. He made us, so He knows best what our bodies need daily.

So whatever you do, remember to get your daily feeding of God’s Word. Read your Bible in the comfort of your home or in the office during your lunch break. Play sermon CDs while driving to work or doing household chores. If you prefer something more visual, watch DVDs on the preaching of His Word. Choose whichever form you prefer, but get His Word into you!

Beloved, you cannot live when you stop breathing. In the same way, you cannot live without the Word because it is the very breath of God which gives you life and health!

This reminds me of yesterday's lala-kairos cg. WX had come from cg absolutely tired. He practically had the words: "I just finished essay and boy am I exhuasted" written on his face. But after cg, Ps Jabez commented, "WX, your countenance has changed. You know why? You came for cg!". Yes, tis true. Nothing beats feeding on the living word of God.

One of the things that keeps me very awake.

Coke light or Diet Coke.

Ruth introduced it to me at night cycling last year. I had (stupidly) left my bottle to sit at matt's home. And of course we had to cycle the entire night. And I was really thirsty. I drank a bit and realised it tasted better than all the hype.

And seeing ruth now and then means seeing her, usually, with a can or bottle of Coke light.

I just burped last 5 times. To try and not make burping sounds, yet burp. PAINFUL. gosh. all those gas. bah. But it keeps me awake. My eyes were like tired from all those collecting of data from Singaporean male food-blogs (better known as flogs).

Been told lately by a no. of friends that I look tired. I guess I do. I have been feeling tired. It's been hard to wake up early. And I've not been watching late night korean dramas. ok.fine, I have, save for that one night. To reward myself last tues for doing what I had set out to finish, I finished up the last 2+ episodes of The Wedding. Ohgreatchair and Icantstandnoiseonmybusride were smirking and rolling their eyes when I was recounting the plot to my dear ms.

I paid the price dearly because the next day, I made up by sleeping 12 hours. Doesn't help that I've had a mild (to others' standards. But major to me) pimple breakout. Which I think has to do with me deciding to apply moisturiser with SPF 20 everyday before I step out of the house, because the sun is seriously way too strong. I have henceforth stopped... which is worse: pimples or skin damaged by UV rays. I don't know. Because I can only see the pimples on my forehead now.

Ok, I have digressed. I've gotta go. Was just reminded that I had volunteered my services to compile a project, of which I thought was done by someone else... ta/

i did bake in the end

orange and butter cupcakes. yummy, with that hint of zest. and brownies for ming. heh.

anyway, there are a few reasons why I take a break from blogging:

1. I am really busy

2. I can also be really lazy

3. I have close to no inspiration.

well, for the past month, it was a combination of the 3, but more so of no inspiration.. if this blog talks about my life and I feel like there's nothing much to say, it's rather telling. It just shows that God and me haven't been that good friends. When life becomes ok and nothing new, I don't have much to right about. So, yup, that pretty much sums up the past month. Stuff have happened. and ya. Now, I'm just tired. But I've got a lot of stuff to say.. which I'd leave for another time, but considering the workload now it'd just not materialize...

Anyway, this just shows how there are times that I can take God for granted and leave Him out of my life, (un)intentionally at times. When I do that, my life suffers, I'd just be numbed to the things around me, and more importantly the Holy Spirit. Things will be ok, and that's about it. close to boring. But that's not because life is boring, it's because I left God out of it.

Yup, anyway, this week was good. Because for some (un)known rason, I got shaken out of it.. and am spending more time with God. Things feel better now;)

i can't bake tomorrow?!

I was struck with the sudden recollection that I wanted to bake this weekend in time for valentine's. and then, here I am, still in school with church on tonight, and with the sudden realisation that I'd be out early tomorrow morning... bleagh. I shouldn't complain, right. it's my own doing. bah.

time to rest moi eyes.

one of those nameless posts

i've printed enough readings today to wipe out my $9-full cashcard. this is for one module. the best part? it doesn't even cover the entire semester. the printer is soon becoming my best friend, if it ain't already.

wanna learn Hanguel... anyone?

adeline is looking for someone, a guy preferably, who's willing to learn Korean with her. If he has no interest in learning Korean, that's fine. The minimum requirement is that he's willing to make new friends(with adeline's Korean friends. not her).

adeline wouldn't resort to such shameless advertising on her blog if not for the fact that most guys (like her cgl and prayer co-ord) are only interested in pretty Korean babes or others are only interested in Korean christian songs.

ok, jokes aside. I am serious about looking for a guy to learn Korean and teach English to these 2 Korean guys. Your reward will not be in the form of monetary payment, but perhaps heavenly treasures sounds enticing? plus, Wook and David are really nice! I'm trying to be friends with them, but I think at times, a guy could do a slightly better job in terms of male-bonding... let me know if you have friends who are interested. Oh, I must add, you must be from nus, because I meet them in nus.

so undeserving

after that super angst-ridden post *points below*, I saw my sec school best friend, liz, online.. and we chatted a while... the good news is that I'm in a much better mood because she justsaid that she's thinking about water baptism.

It made me go, oh!! and really joyful. Goes beyond happy, I tell you.

It's really an answered prayer because I've been praying for ages (til the point of aging..) for her and her walk with God. It's always such a joy when someone you love decides to follow and run after the same God.

oh so cool.

Thank you God.

p/s the title is 'so undeserving' because I asked God for something that will cheer me up, like a friend to pop up somewhere.. I got so much more, through the internet. the irony of it all is that I'm still cracking my head over my Language and the internet presentation. go figure. but in all.. yay!!

moody issues

I'm in a really bad mood.

I'm angry. Not pissed, not frustrated. Just angry. I don't know how to explain. I'm also hungry, yet I don't feel like eating because that piece of Chinese carrot cake I ate about an hour ago, is now is making me feel rather queasy. I'm also pissed because my mom didn't cook as I told her to. Ok, this makes me sound like I'm treating her to be a maid... But, when you are in a bad mood, every little thing that does not go according to plans, just makes one want to go ARGH.

I'm also annoyed at the fact that I have ZERO clue to my presentation topic on Language as a possibility vs Language as a probability. If you go huh? Trust me you aren't the only one. To make matters worse, the only book in the library that touches on the above subject has been borrowed out, possibility by the girl from the other class who's presenting on the same topic.

Plus my back aches pretty badly because I forgot that I cannot use my nike sling to lug my dinosaur apple. Tell me I'm in such a grouchy mood. I think I'd probably just go home later to sleep and cut off contact with the world for the next 7 hours. And I'm in school on my free day which is a monday past 8pm. Alone.

On top of that, my handphone decided to not make any sound. Again. Plus my brothers lost my earphones. I've been forgetting to bring things and. well, I could go on..

And perhaps I shouldn't go on. One thing I've learnt in my language and internet class, aside from incomprehensible presentation topics, is that blogs are egocentric. Well, ok, it doesn't take a linguist to figure that out. But, if you concorde this post, it would probably have the most 'I's per word ratio.

That's it with humans. Always me, my, I, myself. Things go bad. Argh. sometimes, even swear words come out. Never glorifying. But what's a way to glorify God in (bad mood) times like this?

Praise God. I'm trying.

ok.back to research.

don't study.. then teach??

WHO WANTS FBT shorts?? says:
what you gonna do after uni?
WHO WANTS FBT shorts?? says:
are you doing honours?
in God i'm ADEquate` says:
i think im grdautating..
in God i'm ADEquate` says:
you?
in God i'm ADEquate` says:
probably going to take a gap year to do contract teaching and go thailand to teach english
WHO WANTS FBT shorts?? says:
i'm graduating as well
WHO WANTS FBT shorts?? says:
i'm.. sick of studying
WHO WANTS FBT shorts?? says:
and the irony of it all is.. i'm planning to teach
in God i'm ADEquate` says:
hahahah
in God i'm ADEquate` says:
you know.
in God i'm ADEquate` says:
i feel the same way too

happy green frog

jon leong sent this to me while we were msning. and I have to agree.. it looks rather happy. ms asked how I am now. well, I'm not in a estatic mood.. but neither am I feeling lousy. I'm just feeling a-ok. would like to feel as happy as this frog. but, that seems like a silly wish because

1. this frog is just a jpeg.

2. it is afterall, a frog.

3. there was never a story about the prince who kissed the frog-ess.

so, hmm. ya. heh.

no conclusion

You are forewarned... this entry has potentially no conclusion. What defines a conclusion anyway? That's a philosophical question which I shall not attempt to answer.

SO, one day after my birthday, still suffering from the hangover effects of... drinking kevin's coffee, my brain or rather my heart went into a major overdrive.

OK, I think I still can't tell if it was the heart or the head, because the head is suppose to be rational while the heart is irrational... bottom line is I got irrational to the point of blurness on tuesday night.

I'm dead certain it was the head that told me, "hey! you are graduating in less than a year. What are you going to be doing adeline!!"

hurhur. so some friends say.

I also dunno.

It does not help that the majority, and I am not exaggerating when I say MAJORITY of the year 3s in cf are only graduating next year. I am actually part of the minority graduating this year. Which means that my peers hardly talk about graduating stuff. It's not that I don't count ms, ruth, etcs as my peers.. But it's like. same year supposed to be somewhat same experience... Right?

It also does not help that practically everyone is asking if I'm graduating. I thought that I'd have gotten used to the fact that I am graduating in year3. But, I thought wrong. In fact, I've realised, the more I say, the more I don't want to say, and worse.. the more I want to stay. Some have caught me in this somewhat confused state... That they had to raise their eyebrow and ask, again, "er.. so are you graduating or not?"

The cure to this is not "don't ask ade anymore". I just realised I'm quite confused. This is a whole lot more confusing than that singleness issue. bah. At least last year, I knew what I was struggling with. Now, I don't even know what I'm struggling with...

To stay on? To go? To work? or not? Work where? theological school? missions?

huh? what?

For once in my life, I feel seriously lost. I can't seem to siphon out which are my ambitions, my parents hopes, concerned adults' advice, friends' suggestions.. But most importantly, God's will.

Dealing with BGR is a piece of cake (on hindsight, never when you are in it..). It's either do you want to get attached or not? If no, then, it stops there. If yes, you go on to ask, so is there anyone now? If yes, then, er.. haha. more stuff to consider lah. But if no, then wait lor.

So, ya. I can wait for this. But how to wait when I graduate? I can't be living off my parents for the rest of my life. They've paid for my education all the way up to university.

sigh.

Well, I guess I do know what to do. I need to know what God's saying in the midst of everything. Which means that I have to stop and be still before God. Constantly. So, if I start lapsing into thin air or start talking a lot of random nonsense or start wincing or start sighing or start not replying emails (and even forwarding stuff) or start blogging nonsense... I'm not going mad. Just thinking.

All this is compounded with all the recent stuff that seems to be happening.. so, if I'm not thinking for myself.. I'm thinking for someone else.