rest in love

I didn't realise how badly I needed a rest, until I went for FOC. For 3/4 of the camps I go for, I enjoy myself tremendously, and am ra-ra to quite an extent. But this camp fell into the other 1/4 category. My energy level was seriously low. So low to the point that I did not want to meet new people. I very much preferred talking to the people I knew already. Because, talking to totally new people requires a lot of energy... it didn't help that I went to foc with a mental list of people I had to talk to before I went, plus other admin stuff that had to be settled before I left for Bangkok.

I was feeling rather bad because as a senior to the freshies (leader or not), I was obviously not setting a good example. But more so, with seniors like Delia and Adrian, I was not doing any justice to the care and attention they lavished on freshies like me. Plus God spoke very pointedly through Ps Edmund, and as I shared with my OG during the session, that God has set us to live in a community, where we are to love everyone deeply. Love is not a choice. Doggedly, it's a command. I have to love the people around me. Even if I feel antisocial, it's wrong because God first loved us and it is through our love for one another in this Christian community, that others would see and come to know about God's love (John 17). And it is this love that sets us apart as holy and different from everyone else (1 Peter 4:8-11). But, once you do love, you would realise it ain't dogged. Love frees you up (sounds idyllic.)

And therein lay a bit of a problem. Often as leaders and supposedly, "more spiritually mature" people, we feel as if we have to keep up with this "holy&zhai" persona. But, I've been learning the past 2 months that this facade is well... a facade. The fact that this entry is going to be in plain view, I am now acknowledging that it is hard. I've learnt from one of my cg members that pretending that everything is ok is not ok. It's fake. But that doesn't mean I can be heck care about everything, because that's not what God called for. Instead, it's about acknowledging that I struggle and try my best with heaps of God's grace and love.

One way for me to change about loving people is to cut down on my busyness. A busy life tires me out. The effects are very telling. I've been busy ever since I returned from my HK trip. That trip tired me out further because of the guilt trip that I made myself go on. Plus a busy weekend and starting work immediately, cancelled out all the positive effects of rest that I had from the previous few camps/retreats. Having to work 5 days a week since then every evening having an appointment for a/n arts comm. meeting/ meet up with a friend/ church stuff, was enough for me to go for FOC seriously drained.

I guess I will still have loads of stuff to do, because by the looks of it, I may only get to end work at the end of July. Grrh. But, it's the perspective and slowing life down and not filling my days up back to back with appointments. Like for example, today, I decided to stay at home and spend time with my family instead of going for some meeting, gathering, yada.. Ah. Family. That will be a separate blog entry. Soon. Hopefully.

So there, loving people will be a lifelong thing. Just as loving God is for eternity. My prayer is that some time next year, I can look back and say that yes, I've grown a bit more closer to God. And for that, I hope God will be pleased.