Thursday, July 20, 2006

I don't wanna fall away from You

often I wonder. In life, it's so so easy to stray from God, so easy to lose focus on Him, so easy to listen to everyone/thing else except His Voice, so easy to believe every other lie except His Word..

After all the things that you have shown me
I'd be a fool to let them slip away
In doing things I know I shouldn't do
But I don't want to fall away from you
From you

After all
I've only grieved Your spirit
And then I don't know why You stay with me
But every time I fall Your love comes through
And I don't want to fall away from You

When the light is gone
And good times are getting old
There's no one left to count on
And all my friends are cold
When I thirst for love oh Lord
You're a fountain to my soul
My soul, My soul, Oh Lord
My soul

In a way my life is full of burdens
But in a way You carry them from me, Jesus
Cause no one understands the way You do
And you know Lord
I don't want to fall away from You

Well every day I pray to start anew
Cause I don't want to fall away from You

No Lord, I don't wanna fall away from You
No Lord, I don't wanna fall away from You
From You...Lord

-- Keith Green ( I don't wanna fall away from You)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

and so, it died.

This is it.

Yesterday, Bumpy finally bumped out on me.

And in case you are wondering, "huh? Who's Bumpy?!" Bumpy is the name I gave my ibook, named because of that bump on the front which my aunt gave it from putting it against a candle flame, and also because it gives me a bumpy ride, hanging on me..

And so, yesterday, it finally crashed. I couldn't start it up at all. It took ages, only to just sit there and hang.

That's not all.

My handphone is threatening to just die on me any moment. I HAVE to trade it in before it actually cannot work. The keypad refusing to be pressed syndrome is getting more frequent.


I'm not so worried about the handphone. It can easily be bought for less than $50. $0 if I am not picky. It's the laptop. I'm going to pray real hard that it can be serviced. But, it is so so so tempting to just get a new ibook (yup. i'm a mac fan now.heh). My present one, in it's former state was slow, old(try beating 5 years).. thus, it couldn't be used with a whole lot of applications. Which was fine by me, because, it was meant to be for typing out essays.

Now, with my pay finally within sight, I don't know if I should get a new lappy. It'd easily blow 1.7-1.9K. and that was not why I agreed to work for.. was trying to save up money for Vietnam trip next year.

Oh. Emily just told me great news. Maybe a new ibook wouldn't be so expensive after all.


It's tempting to want to work more to get more work done to earn more money. I'm very tempted. But I need my rest, need to spend time with my family, go out with my mom, spend time just hanging out with my comm. members, play more basketball with my youths (which, heh, I'm not that bad at shooting hoops), meet friends whom I've not been able to because every night seems to have something on.

Sigh. Pray. I dunno how, what. But I do need a new laptop to write my essays on. It is a need, not a want.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Ah. The Bangkok trip was good.

The main reason was that the 4 of us who went, were in desperate need of a break. As Eunice said on her blog, she went with the intention to shop and rest (yes. I know, to put those 2 word together is an oxymoron. But hey! We actually accomplished that feat!!). Mindy and Frankie had been tired out from cafe business due to the World Cup (thank God it's over). As for me, as said in the previous entry, I was in dire need of rest from work, ministry stuff, concerns, worries, yada etc... and so, with 4 very tired people, everything goes at a much slower pace. Shopping and having fun is important, but rest is way at the top. Funny how none of us said anything about it, but I guess it's because we were tired, it crept into and stayed at the top of our agenda. You can do anything you want, but don't tire yourself out. so we got the rest we needed.

Our hotel/guest house rooms were pretty good. The first one that Eunice booked, I refused to stay because the toilet was in a worse state than the SU campsite. After half an afternoon spent calling up hotels/hostels/guesthouses, we eventually found ourselves winding round the back alleys of Chinatown to Riverview Hotel. We managed to squeeze the four of us into one room, which was really cosy. That was for the first 2 nights. The next two nights, we stayed at Asha Guesthouse which exuded a rustic feel. Even though we had to use a common toilet, it was way cleaner and better than SU, except, the toilet cubicle was so puny that when you sit down, your legs stick out from beneath the door.

I guess the fact that we were stuck in traffic in cabs most of the time, as opposed to crazy Thai cabbies who speed down highways at neck-breaking speeds, was a good thing. It's amazing how living in Singapore, everything must be done snappy and pronto. Those jams in Bangkok slowed down the need to rush, because, you are just stuck there. And seeing how laidback the Thais were, definitely put things into perspective. We spent two to three-fifths of our days shopping at the different outdoor and street-side markets. And I bought a lot. Heh. But much less than HK. HK still wins for the quality of their stuff. But Bangkok wins hands down for it's cheap price. Which, I'm very thankful that I am tall and have big feet, hence, buying pretty shoes and funky baby tees were not possible for me.

The company was good. Had good chats with Eunice while stuck in those traffic jams, in between showers, after our QTs. Plus when the other two were too tired, we'd be entertaining ourselves on our own. I've always known Mindy to be quiet, but to see her resilience in action and when she does talk, you realise not talking does not equate to nothing. As for Frankie, he was very useful to do all the guy stuff like carrying our shopping, being a bodyguard, buying food, being fierce... and the not so guy-ish, helping us bargain, partly because he was the only one who could speak Thai, but also, he was dog-set.

I had a lot of time to think about stuff with God. And, I only thought about ministry stuff once (during QT when God spoke). Which was good because, I had been thinking and preparing non-stop, for youth cg and arts comm. stuff. I seriously needed a breather to spend time with God and just to hear Him out on the big and small things in life. Read Eunice's book on discerning God's will, which helped make things a whole lot clearer for ministry and life in general.

So there. Had a refreshing time spiritually, mentally and physically. For now, it's just a matter of keeping things at a lower pace...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

rest in love

I didn't realise how badly I needed a rest, until I went for FOC. For 3/4 of the camps I go for, I enjoy myself tremendously, and am ra-ra to quite an extent. But this camp fell into the other 1/4 category. My energy level was seriously low. So low to the point that I did not want to meet new people. I very much preferred talking to the people I knew already. Because, talking to totally new people requires a lot of energy... it didn't help that I went to foc with a mental list of people I had to talk to before I went, plus other admin stuff that had to be settled before I left for Bangkok.

I was feeling rather bad because as a senior to the freshies (leader or not), I was obviously not setting a good example. But more so, with seniors like Delia and Adrian, I was not doing any justice to the care and attention they lavished on freshies like me. Plus God spoke very pointedly through Ps Edmund, and as I shared with my OG during the session, that God has set us to live in a community, where we are to love everyone deeply. Love is not a choice. Doggedly, it's a command. I have to love the people around me. Even if I feel antisocial, it's wrong because God first loved us and it is through our love for one another in this Christian community, that others would see and come to know about God's love (John 17). And it is this love that sets us apart as holy and different from everyone else (1 Peter 4:8-11). But, once you do love, you would realise it ain't dogged. Love frees you up (sounds idyllic.)

And therein lay a bit of a problem. Often as leaders and supposedly, "more spiritually mature" people, we feel as if we have to keep up with this "holy&zhai" persona. But, I've been learning the past 2 months that this facade is well... a facade. The fact that this entry is going to be in plain view, I am now acknowledging that it is hard. I've learnt from one of my cg members that pretending that everything is ok is not ok. It's fake. But that doesn't mean I can be heck care about everything, because that's not what God called for. Instead, it's about acknowledging that I struggle and try my best with heaps of God's grace and love.

One way for me to change about loving people is to cut down on my busyness. A busy life tires me out. The effects are very telling. I've been busy ever since I returned from my HK trip. That trip tired me out further because of the guilt trip that I made myself go on. Plus a busy weekend and starting work immediately, cancelled out all the positive effects of rest that I had from the previous few camps/retreats. Having to work 5 days a week since then every evening having an appointment for a/n arts comm. meeting/ meet up with a friend/ church stuff, was enough for me to go for FOC seriously drained.

I guess I will still have loads of stuff to do, because by the looks of it, I may only get to end work at the end of July. Grrh. But, it's the perspective and slowing life down and not filling my days up back to back with appointments. Like for example, today, I decided to stay at home and spend time with my family instead of going for some meeting, gathering, yada.. Ah. Family. That will be a separate blog entry. Soon. Hopefully.

So there, loving people will be a lifelong thing. Just as loving God is for eternity. My prayer is that some time next year, I can look back and say that yes, I've grown a bit more closer to God. And for that, I hope God will be pleased.