Sunday, April 29, 2007

just a squeeze of the heart

ok. I didn't expect my last entry to illicit so many (in my opinion) comments. thanks dears:)

anyway, today's worship service spoke to me much, esp after last night's late night chat with jiggly.

~by Paradise

I will give my heart to You
Forever faithful God
Guide me to Your truth

I will go where You may lead
Your hands are a graceful guide
They draw me to Your side

I'd praise Your name forever
Join with shouts of heaven

You are the King of Glory
You are the Lord Almighty
You are the Shepherd of my heart

I will give You all my praise
I'd follow You always
The Shepherd of my heart.

And then, after service, I read Vera's bookmark and on it, this was stitched:

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
~Proverbs 4:23

Ah. yes. LAST exam tomorrow. I've got so much to say.. last official day as an NUS student, last time I get to see some friends, last time I get to mug in SMC, last time, last time...

but I'm not done with studying for pragmatics, so it's back to the notes.

[ To listen to this song, click here. But you'd need to join and be a member before you can listen to it=)]

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

no if maybe...

To be honest, I'm not really in a mood to study.

I think it's partly to do with the fact that this is my last semester. Rather, me realizing my days left as an NUS student are rather numbered (5 days to be exact). It hit me more when I was chatting with my sb just now, and she was saying how she foresaw the first 2 weeks of May to be especially draining.. and I was like. yah hor. She's joining exco soon...

My mom was talking to one of our family friends last night over the phone, and giving the usual lowdown on her 4 kids.. How I, the first child, am finally graduating, albeit slightly prematurely at year 3. And I thought it was rather interesting how my mom started her 'report' on me by saying, "aiyah, my adeline has never really been interested in studying anyway", saying that she was ok with me not graduating with honours, and very average grades, because for my whole life, I've been getting past the Singapore education system by the skin of my teeth, each time, giving my parents mini-heart-attacks along the way. She continued, rather proudly, that I've spent most of my time in NUS serving in VCF and how I enjoy it, being the arts chair and all..

Honestly, I thought it was rather funny and heartwarming to know that I've not disappointed my parents... that much.. Although they are proud of the fact that I aspire to be a teacher, and then missionary, sometimes, there's a nagging fear at the back of my mind, that all these plans I've come up with, may not really be realized in the end. Like how I may not get into NIE next year, although I must be one of those crazy nuts who's actually willing to sell her soul to the Singapore government.

Coupled with the fact that I started off as a rather promising kid, out of 3 of their children, I was the only one who made it to the top class in primary school and then one of the top 10 secondary schools in Singapore.. In between, I made it to a neighbourhood JC (Pioneer!), and somehow, ended up here in NUS. I started off my uni life truly thankful that I managed to somehow, scrape my way into NUS. To be even able to get into a local uni, without my parents having to pay much to send me elsewhere, I really thank God.

Yet, at times, I do wonder, if I enjoyed studying more, like my brothers, and the many others in NUS, would these exams just be part of my third last semester and not my last? I mean, I do enjoy studying. I've loved almost all my Elang classes, save for those one of two soundand morphology classes which seriously drove me up the wall. Or rather, perhaps the better word would be I enjoy "learning". Not "studying".

There are so many 'IF's and 'maybe's. If I had done this, maybe I would be this.. If I hadn't done that, maybe I wouldn't have ended up that. But, there's no point in all these 'if''s and 'maybe's. As I told J when he told me I could have been chair, I told him point-blank: I'm a 'could-have-been', but you are going to be a 'be'.

So, the case is really closed.

The fact is, I'm really graduating this semester. (of course, that's granted IF I pass that silly "life as a complex" module...) What's done is done. Although I do wonder if I could have been blessed with better brains than what I already have (R always reminds me that I'm very smart to be able to get into NUS. ha). And now, whenever I hear of how someone is having difficulty in his/her studies, my heart skips a beat, and I actually feel for and understand that person..

I'm still trying to decide whether I would like to be able to understand people this way, or never be able to understand what it feels like to be at the bottom, by being at the top.. It's a hard price to pay. But then, I have spent the whole of this semester coming to terms with the end of my term. And my conclusion is that God has a reason and plan for me beyond these 3 years. I know, so cliche right. My faith seems almost blind. Like, God is supposed to work for the good of all those who put their trust in Him.. then how come I can't make it for honours.. that's not good.

But, that's not necessarily good. As I've told some, perhaps it's high time I start focusing more time and energy on church ministry. Probably, I'm not needed in NUS anymore, though it pains my heart (alot!!) to not be able to go for class with jig, mich, val, sara, janice and the whole jing gang of them. And although, at times, I think there's so much more I can do to contribute, I suppose God thinks otherwise.

It's really too early to tell now. I'd only know in a few years time, when I'm wherever I am, where God wants this person who "cannot really study" to be instead.. SO, til then. Stay tuned and see;)

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I smell a fish

A fishy conspirancy is brewing between my parents right in my very home. Right under my very nose.

I don't like the sound, rather, the smell of it because it's fishy. And, seriously. I can't even believe they are doing this.

oh. And the best part? They think I'm clueless to what's going on. Seriously. I don't even know whether to laugh or grimace... in amusement.

Thanks for the compliments. really. It's taken quite a while.

lose weight

I'm very certain I've put on weight... but then, I just weighed myself and the weighing machine (which always tells the painful truth) says that I've lost 1kg. OK. fine. it's not alive, so it can't really SAY. but you get my point.. I need to lose weight. To stop looking so unglam in pics. bah. find me again in a month and see whether my new exercise regime (basically to exercise everyday...) works. or rather. whether it was implemented.

Monday, April 02, 2007

two are better than one.

I think I really sapped a lot of energy writing those 3 individual assignments of 3000 words each + that one group project in the last 2 weeks. I'm really glad they are over. I've only 2 group projects and presentations left to this semester.. rather to the end of my time in NUS. sounds so sad :(

I spent most of my monday afternoon sleeping. Was really tired. When my back really hurt last week in the midst of all those late nights (4 a.m.) essaying, I couldn't help but think of what my dear friend E said a couple of weeks back:

"I guess when we are feeling tired, down, we yearn more for someone to share the burden together."

So I guess that's why Solomon said in Ecclesiates 4:9-12,

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.