Saturday, August 26, 2006

wishes and dreams that are yet to come true

i finally spruced up my blog a lil:
-increased font size (sorry sonn!!)
-linked, relinked & unlinked quite a few people
-changed headings,etc...

still thinking of changing layout, i.e new picture.. but, lazy to find a new picture, plus i haven't found a layout that is simple yet compact.. so, as the picture says, wait lah.

speaking of pictures, as most would know, my apple's hard disk crashed, burying along with it, some photos, and countless songs... which made me feel a bit sianz. the songs, are legal, because i inherited this laptop from my aunt... now, i'm just chris-rice-less.. which makes me wanna go *argh argh*. but that's not that bad, because, it'll just mean lots of money to buy the albums.. what makes me go *argh argh* to the power of 100, is that my home pc's hard disk ALSO crashed. what's worse is that all my photos, you read it right, ALL got buried to goodness-knows-where. everything from photos from jc prom, to random cf cg absurdities, to my 21st birthday, to the odd ones with frennies... i really ought to make it a habit to upload photos online.. argh

and if you ever wonder why i don't exactly reply tags on my board it's because, i procrastinate and people don't usually reply my replies to their tags that i figured that i'd just leave it at that. but i do read lah. it's one of my (bad) habits, like how i am capable of taking ages (like in days...) to reply smses..

while i carry on rambling... after blog-surfing on friends' blogs, i realise that there are a lot more people reading blogs than one can actually fathom. this is to a certain extent, er.. can't find the word.

ok, i think i sound angsty.

and so 2 weeks of school has whizzed by. i don't wish the hols back, but i do wish i can just get beamed up to heaven now. rest assured, i'm not sucidal. it's just that i realise that if there is that one person i really really want to be with, it's God.

ok fine, so maybe i don't think that everyday. i'm human. but at uds (university dedication service) on thurs, it suddenly dawned on me the meagre capacity of one's heart. i.e, the room one's heart has for something. ok, let me try to explain.. ever liked 2 people at one time before? yes/no? it's not something i'm exactly very proud of (in fact i scoff at shows with people who can't decide between 2.. but hey, that's for being judgemental ade...).

so yes, i have liked 2 guys at a point of time before. i put myself through a lot of torture for that because it came to a point where i was pissed at myself for being fickle. i can't stand it when others are fickle, and i definitely could not tolerate it in myself. but i noticed that after a while, the first guy that i liked, gradually got replaced in my thoughts by the second guy, until he eventually got phased out into oblivion. and so, fickleness would not be an issue anymore. it would be back to one guy again.

i totally forgot about this until uds, when i was thinking of how to pursue God single-heartedly. and it clicked all of a sudden. just as my human heart cannot handle 'liking' 2 separate people, this same heart, definitely cannot follow both God and the world. one would have to be phased out after a while... the world? or is it God?

i never fully grasped Matt 6:24, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." but on thursday, it finally dawned sense.

i cannot, no matter how hard i try, serve God, while still being dogged down by worries, unfulfilled desires, concerns in this world.

either she will hate one and love the other.

and so, as i sang,

"All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You."

the line "wishes and dreams that are yet to come true" struck my heart hard. God, they are yours.

I'd be taking a lifetime to learn how to place God as the one thing my heart focuses on..

oh well, i've got an entire life to learn..

and in the mean time, i know i'm not ready to meet God yet. so til then, hey earth;)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

cors bidding

this is blog-worthy:

thursday, 12.15pm:

NM 2220 Introduction to media writing, of 1660, i bid 1700
EL 4252 Interactive Discourse of 101, i bid 99.

at 4.30pm, at close bidding, with like zero clue what i could bid, i swopped 10 points around:

NM 2220 Introduction to media writing: 1690
EL 4252 Interactive Discourse: 109

wei asked what's the point of what i was doing.. i didn't know either..

friday, 9.40am, i logged onto ivle to see that i had all 5 of my modules. half amused, i went online to cors to check my programme account.

imagine my amusement and amazement to see that my programme account looked like this:


yeah. bidding in the blind ain't fun.

but, it is pretty awesome to see that i got such figures so "zhong". never was lucky at lucky draws.

but, i give God the glory. couldn't have been so accurate for 2 modules.

hopefully, this is a sign to a different academic year.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

passion. hobbies?

i've been thinking eversince (uncle) james asked me last tuesday what my passion is. i said it was people. i enjoy spending time with people, and i love to see them grow.

while i was working, farand asked meisi and me what our hobbies are. and i think i remember being a bit stunned at that question (because no one asks such old fashioned questions anymore), and then muttering, watching movies, reading, shopping.

so, yes. back to thinking. after a few days, i remembered that i enjoy writing. not the kind of writing that requires a pen and paper.. but you know, writing in general? writing poetry, prose. in secondary school, i wanted to be a journalist when i grew up. it was my dream to study in columbia university. and then, after a while, i perished that thought, because a journalist's life in singapore was a tad too erratic especially if i knew that serving God in church is important.

another thing that i've always loved is music. when i was young, i had begged my parents for years for piano lessons. but music lessons were too expensive. i finally got it my wish in p5, albeit because my brother 'needed' it as an outlet for him. i'm supposed to know piano. even after playing the guitar for 7 years, i'm only so-so. i've come to deduce that i may have an interest in music, but my talent isn't really there. i've always wanted to be a part of a band and have our own gigs. but i guess that would only be a figment of my dreams and imagination.

if God calls, perhaps i'd have a shot. but, in the mean time, i'm back with people. are my hobbies in line with my passion/s? i guess i better go mull more.

Monday, August 07, 2006

God's funny

[disclaimer: i think i'm going to go very off tangent with this post, so, don't grade me for topic flow..]

so there, 2 weeks have passed since i ended work. and weird as it may seem, i enjoyed work at pearson for various reasons, one reason being there was this cute and really nice guy at work, who turns out to be such a major staunch buddhist that he does not eat onions nor garlic because it makes him think too much. ok, that may seem to be the highlight, but nope. he was just eyecandy.

eversince i've been stressing to arts comm that prayer is very important, i've been trying to incorprate prayer in my life. and honestly, i don't know if i've succeeded. i don't spend hours on my knees beside my bed praying and interceding on behalf of people. but i do spend many times a day, on rides home on the mrt, stoning at some fastfood outlet with a book in hand, just talking to God about random stuff and reflecting on a lunch/tea/dinner i just had with a long-time-no-see friend. if anything, with my mac sitting at the apple repair centre getting it's hard-drive changed, has led me to blog very infrequently and dread checking my emails.

don't get me wrong. i love receiving and reading emails (esp those addressed to me only), but it also means that i have to reply them, which i usually enjoy mulling over in the comforts of my room, and not in the church office with different people hovering around. so there, to answer the countless questions of "ade, your comp fixed already ah?" nope, it's still under repair. oh, don't get me wrong, i have nothing against church people hovering over me, (it can't be helped anyway), i've actually had a few pretty good conversations with people while i was trying to finish emailing arts comm stuff. that's like the most important thing that i those precious minutes on the email to do nowadays.

with the hols coming to a close in less than one week, i must say that my 2 objectives have been pretty much met. the first was that i would get ample rest spiritually and physically, of which the past few days have been spent sleeping and reading. the second was to enjoy being (and serving) in church. of which i must give all thanks and glory to God. to be in church now, is like being on auto-run. i know it sounds crude, but if you knew that at a point of time, i had to jumpstart myself each sunday morning, you'd understand why.

it just occured to me that vcf didn't fall into any of the objectives.. not that i love vcf any less, it's just that i knew that God will do His work, as He has been the past 2 years. funny how time flies, i'm going on year 3 already...

oh. did you know God's one funny guy?? i met my jc cca-mate last week at the old kr bus-stop. seeing him brought back many memories from jc. time sure flies.

yup, God's been so funny recently that sometimes, i wish He wasn't so. oh well. i guess i'd appreciate it when i understand why He does what He does. in any case, my train of thought has stopped. that's all for today.