Wednesday, April 25, 2007

no if maybe...

To be honest, I'm not really in a mood to study.

I think it's partly to do with the fact that this is my last semester. Rather, me realizing my days left as an NUS student are rather numbered (5 days to be exact). It hit me more when I was chatting with my sb just now, and she was saying how she foresaw the first 2 weeks of May to be especially draining.. and I was like. yah hor. She's joining exco soon...

My mom was talking to one of our family friends last night over the phone, and giving the usual lowdown on her 4 kids.. How I, the first child, am finally graduating, albeit slightly prematurely at year 3. And I thought it was rather interesting how my mom started her 'report' on me by saying, "aiyah, my adeline has never really been interested in studying anyway", saying that she was ok with me not graduating with honours, and very average grades, because for my whole life, I've been getting past the Singapore education system by the skin of my teeth, each time, giving my parents mini-heart-attacks along the way. She continued, rather proudly, that I've spent most of my time in NUS serving in VCF and how I enjoy it, being the arts chair and all..

Honestly, I thought it was rather funny and heartwarming to know that I've not disappointed my parents... that much.. Although they are proud of the fact that I aspire to be a teacher, and then missionary, sometimes, there's a nagging fear at the back of my mind, that all these plans I've come up with, may not really be realized in the end. Like how I may not get into NIE next year, although I must be one of those crazy nuts who's actually willing to sell her soul to the Singapore government.

Coupled with the fact that I started off as a rather promising kid, out of 3 of their children, I was the only one who made it to the top class in primary school and then one of the top 10 secondary schools in Singapore.. In between, I made it to a neighbourhood JC (Pioneer!), and somehow, ended up here in NUS. I started off my uni life truly thankful that I managed to somehow, scrape my way into NUS. To be even able to get into a local uni, without my parents having to pay much to send me elsewhere, I really thank God.

Yet, at times, I do wonder, if I enjoyed studying more, like my brothers, and the many others in NUS, would these exams just be part of my third last semester and not my last? I mean, I do enjoy studying. I've loved almost all my Elang classes, save for those one of two soundand morphology classes which seriously drove me up the wall. Or rather, perhaps the better word would be I enjoy "learning". Not "studying".

There are so many 'IF's and 'maybe's. If I had done this, maybe I would be this.. If I hadn't done that, maybe I wouldn't have ended up that. But, there's no point in all these 'if''s and 'maybe's. As I told J when he told me I could have been chair, I told him point-blank: I'm a 'could-have-been', but you are going to be a 'be'.

So, the case is really closed.

The fact is, I'm really graduating this semester. (of course, that's granted IF I pass that silly "life as a complex" module...) What's done is done. Although I do wonder if I could have been blessed with better brains than what I already have (R always reminds me that I'm very smart to be able to get into NUS. ha). And now, whenever I hear of how someone is having difficulty in his/her studies, my heart skips a beat, and I actually feel for and understand that person..

I'm still trying to decide whether I would like to be able to understand people this way, or never be able to understand what it feels like to be at the bottom, by being at the top.. It's a hard price to pay. But then, I have spent the whole of this semester coming to terms with the end of my term. And my conclusion is that God has a reason and plan for me beyond these 3 years. I know, so cliche right. My faith seems almost blind. Like, God is supposed to work for the good of all those who put their trust in Him.. then how come I can't make it for honours.. that's not good.

But, that's not necessarily good. As I've told some, perhaps it's high time I start focusing more time and energy on church ministry. Probably, I'm not needed in NUS anymore, though it pains my heart (alot!!) to not be able to go for class with jig, mich, val, sara, janice and the whole jing gang of them. And although, at times, I think there's so much more I can do to contribute, I suppose God thinks otherwise.

It's really too early to tell now. I'd only know in a few years time, when I'm wherever I am, where God wants this person who "cannot really study" to be instead.. SO, til then. Stay tuned and see;)


debs said...

i don't think it's a blind faith, instead i think it is a child-like and simple faith, which is what God requires of all of us. and you know, as i've been going on and on and on the past sem, you'll be dearly missed. *hugs*

hwy said...

i gonna miss you greatly dear chair. i feel tt many of my frenz are graduating, leaving me left behind in NUS. =( as i've said, i feel that God has a great plan for you out there. be sure to come back k? we shld always celebrate our bdays tgt. :D

[wins]* said...

i don't think it's blind faith either. it's just faith! For All (that's anything and everything!) I'll Trust Him! so He'll pave some really cool path for you and we'll see in a couple of years' time. =)

i'll miss you heaps and loads too chair!! i lubchew!!!

purplecross said...

haha.. so sweet thanks:)

anyway, I know my faith isn't blind. def doesn't feel that way.. read carefully. I said "seems"!! "Seems" blind and acutal blindness very different:) heh.

Vanessa said...

hello adeline. i haven't talked to you in a loooong time.

is it really a blessing to be intelligent? not really, actually...

christine said...

Hello my junior!

eh very responsible of u to leave a msg on my blog! I was so pleased, tt I blogged abt u and praised u. U have done me proud! HAHA.

BTW, guess WHO is sitting in front of you during pragmatics exam on mon? YES! ME ME ME!!!

Pity we didnt get to know each other better -- but I've always found you a very very nice girl. Always laughing. Fun to sabo. Dun worry, ur not one of those overly enthusiastic and active juniors. HMM. Maybe once or twice during DOA? HEHE. But I love u guys!!

Two more things -- 1) I might be gng to NIE nxt yr too! Maybe we'll be classmates :) 2) I SUPER SUPER SUPER love korean dramas too! hahahahaha

Hope we DO get a chance to get to know each other. Let's keep in touch :)

Christine (ur senior!)

Anonymous said...

well i hate studying, which is stupid cos that's supposedly the main purpose of being in uni. but at the end of the day, i trust that God knows the eventual purpose of our lives. this stage is a mere stepping stone for us to become who He made us to be.


lots of love,

maicie said...

wah so many have left their marks here. i shall leave mine too.


hi?? *waves feebly*


jokes aside - are you really troubled by all these or just writing out your thoughts and then see how life goes?

potter's clay said...

ade was reading this this morning.

Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. leave the irreparable Past in His hands and step out into the Irresistable Future with Him- Oswald Chambers.

then read yr post. :) im jus super thankful for knowing u( silliness and all) will miss those rides bk home tog. u'll be missed loads, SO u better come bk

Anonymous said...

u're all graduating. it's gonna be exciting to watch where u gals are gonna be... life might be the same for me for ONE MORE YEAR.
i nv thought of honours when i started uni, but do u noe i'm considering doing a PhD at 30 now?

Anonymous said...

it's mingsia by the way.

Anonymous said...

i was also thinking about school too.

everyone around me is probably going to study - one of my classmate got shortlisted for nus medicine interview (shows that my friends are really smart =p ), and another one applied for dentistry and at least a big handful of my classmates applied for uni... and sometimes i just felt like a school dropout. and like you said... i wondered "could i have been blessed with better brains"

and God spoke to me in Deut 1:31-32 (i'm reading the book of Deut). and i think i really didnt trust God enough about my future...and i should really open my eyes to see what God wants me to do where He puts me. and looking back, i no doubt that God has always been with me all along. Indeed, Jesus always answers when i called. I know He will always be guiding you too - even though you graduated =)

Anonymous said...

Hey adeline, it's a pity that you are gonna grad soon. :( Hope that we all get an 'S' for the complex system module.