save all

un/fortunately, i've a 'save-all' mentality.

why it's unfortunate? because it hurts when people whom i care for seem to be slipping out of reach, out of sight. it's like a stab to the heart when you read friends' blogs, hear of friends' ongoings through other friends, knowing that they are going through tough patches in life. i feel so helpless. really don't know what to do, except pray. but still, saying that i'll pray for you/them seems so cliche. sometimes, it feels like it's said in passing, like giving up in resignation. the best thing i can offer them is a God whom i can trust, and i know, a God whom they can trust too. but, but.. how?

people are fleeting, circumstances are changing, systems are undependable. i know i've been blessed so greatly, blessed so much that it makes things difficult to talk to people. i've a warm and stable family, though we squabble, but still, we are there. and i know family is something i can count on. having my uni tuition fees paid for by my dad, actually being in nus. i've friends, countless; my handphone book is testimony. but, how many do i even contact? friends... so what? have i been doing my part? when shawna shared at cg last thurs, about her friend who underwent depression, it made me think of who i am neglecting. and i think mingjie brought up a good point at cg too: i've to share my life with them too. i'm always too eager to hear how things have been going for them, and when it comes to me, my life, though interesting and highly exciting to me, i fear that it's boring and unpalatable to others.

why? it always revolves around church, and now vcf. i don't have that 'romantic' bgr to gossip about, idiots to bitch about, angst to unload, that happening party to go to. but, i'm happy, contented. the most i can gripe about is the never-ending pile of schoolwork, the new-house-that-is-yet-to-be-moved-into, annoying (at times) parents & siblings, being tired.. and..well, that's all. my problems, though many it seems at times, are so trivial compared to others. God has done so much for me, I've seen him work in people and situations. God doesn't have to do things for me. it's just so.. iffy at times. how to share joy?

i think what serene said is true and so frightening. vcf and even christian life can be so insular. i just feel comfortable with these friends.. and i think i spend too much time with them. yes, we have to spend time to work together in ministry; yes, they are always there in the library to study with; yes, they are often the ones who understand my deeper gripes and frustration regarding spiritual stuff; yes, they are the ones who can encourage me and pray for me because we know that we have common and shared understanding in the same God.

but i can't neglect others. these were the people who were a part of me at some point in life. it feels sad that they won't understand why i get excited over the ways God has been working in my life. God is my whole life. i work and pray that more may come to the saving knowledge of Christ. and fear grips me, because, life is too short, too fleeting. what if i don't get a chance to share the gospel? what if they don't want to believe that Jesus saves? why don't they want to?

what have i been doing with my life. who and what have i been spending my time on?

i need to recognise and live by the fact that the one who 'saves' is the Holy Spirit, not me. i can't make people believe. mr Holy Spirit can. but what i can do, is help disciple others. that's what christians are called to: to make disciples of all nations. that's the one thing that was most impressed on my heart at last saturday's National Consultation of International Students Ministry when pastor mark asked me if there were plans to disciple the international students who come to singapore(we'll leave this lesson for another day. learnt a lot of stuff on sat).

sigh. i'm like my favourite pick-me-up now: mango-papaya shake. i feel all shaken, stirred and squashed.. and sad. i don't understand why God chooses to work in certain ways. But since i know that i'm just a 20 year old kid, and God has eternity before and after Him, my knowledge is uncomparable to His wisdom.

i can't save.

i can only pray.

i can only obey.