Thursday, January 18, 2007

no conclusion

You are forewarned... this entry has potentially no conclusion. What defines a conclusion anyway? That's a philosophical question which I shall not attempt to answer.

SO, one day after my birthday, still suffering from the hangover effects of... drinking kevin's coffee, my brain or rather my heart went into a major overdrive.

OK, I think I still can't tell if it was the heart or the head, because the head is suppose to be rational while the heart is irrational... bottom line is I got irrational to the point of blurness on tuesday night.

I'm dead certain it was the head that told me, "hey! you are graduating in less than a year. What are you going to be doing adeline!!"

hurhur. so some friends say.

I also dunno.

It does not help that the majority, and I am not exaggerating when I say MAJORITY of the year 3s in cf are only graduating next year. I am actually part of the minority graduating this year. Which means that my peers hardly talk about graduating stuff. It's not that I don't count ms, ruth, etcs as my peers.. But it's like. same year supposed to be somewhat same experience... Right?

It also does not help that practically everyone is asking if I'm graduating. I thought that I'd have gotten used to the fact that I am graduating in year3. But, I thought wrong. In fact, I've realised, the more I say, the more I don't want to say, and worse.. the more I want to stay. Some have caught me in this somewhat confused state... That they had to raise their eyebrow and ask, again, "er.. so are you graduating or not?"

The cure to this is not "don't ask ade anymore". I just realised I'm quite confused. This is a whole lot more confusing than that singleness issue. bah. At least last year, I knew what I was struggling with. Now, I don't even know what I'm struggling with...

To stay on? To go? To work? or not? Work where? theological school? missions?

huh? what?

For once in my life, I feel seriously lost. I can't seem to siphon out which are my ambitions, my parents hopes, concerned adults' advice, friends' suggestions.. But most importantly, God's will.

Dealing with BGR is a piece of cake (on hindsight, never when you are in it..). It's either do you want to get attached or not? If no, then, it stops there. If yes, you go on to ask, so is there anyone now? If yes, then, er.. haha. more stuff to consider lah. But if no, then wait lor.

So, ya. I can wait for this. But how to wait when I graduate? I can't be living off my parents for the rest of my life. They've paid for my education all the way up to university.

sigh.

Well, I guess I do know what to do. I need to know what God's saying in the midst of everything. Which means that I have to stop and be still before God. Constantly. So, if I start lapsing into thin air or start talking a lot of random nonsense or start wincing or start sighing or start not replying emails (and even forwarding stuff) or start blogging nonsense... I'm not going mad. Just thinking.

All this is compounded with all the recent stuff that seems to be happening.. so, if I'm not thinking for myself.. I'm thinking for someone else.

3 comments:

still a learner said...

hello adeline, i enjoy reading your blog. :) i think you manage to reflect on issues so many of us smetimes just gets in one ear and out the other. hope you'll find out what you're supposed to do. what i did last time was to start with a list of what i didn't want to do. :)
li yee

Anonymous said...

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." - Steven Wright

:) Cheer up and stop worrying. God will reveal everything in His own time.

damienqiuwenjie said...

Oh man, I feel your confusion ade.

But as the cliche goes, God is sovereign, and all things work for the good of you who love him!

And if there's only one person who can survive the big stuff of life, I believe it'll have to be you. Keep praying!